Better in their words…

Dear Readers,

After 3 years of faithfully covering COVID 19 from my side of a zoom meeting, having done everything right, recently, the worst news imaginable struck. (See picture). I got COVID! But most importantly, here is what I want you to know: it is entirely your fault!

How did I get COVID?

I got it from a MAGA republican!

I was minding my own business at a holiday party, wearing a tight-fitting n95 and googles, as I have done for 2 years, and will continue for 45 more, when a MAGA republican approached me with drinks. I could tell he was MAGA because he hadn’t laminated his vaccine card and tied it to a string to wear around his neck.

“Want a drink?”

“No I can’t” I mumbled through my mask

“Why are you wearing a mask?” he asked

“Because I voted for Biden,” I replied

“What’s that underneath it” he asked

“That’s a cloth mask to keep my mask clean” I said

“Where is your face-shield?” he asked

“Right here,” I said reaching upwards, but nothing was there. Waves of panic began to fill my chest, where had it gone?” Obviously another MAGA republican had lifted it off of me when I wasn’t looking. Not only are they sneaky— who invited so many to the party I thought?

“Its here if you want one,” he said, and left the drink, and walked away.

Later, when I was overwhelmed with thirst, I decided to take a sip of water. I went to the doorway. First, I carefully unwrapped a syringe I had kept in my pocket. Still cold, I thought, and I boosted myself with the newest bivalent booster.

Then, when the breeze was strong, I slid my n95 to the side and carefully took a sip of water. But that is when someone pulled up in a Dodge Ram pickup truck with a big American flag on the bumper. The license plate was from Indiana. He looked my way and said, “How are you? Lovely weather here in SF!” I was scared! Then, I am pretty sure he coughed or cleared his throat. And that was the precise moment I got COVID19.

Don’t believe me?

Well the only other place, I could have gotten it was on an airplane. I was reading the New York times about the tripledemic- that’s the word they use to describe normal life— when this passage jumped out at me. A fellow COVID expert knew precisely the moment she acquired sars-cov-2 virus, and just like me, it was an airplane. The New York Times has good fact-checkers— so it must be 100% accurate that this expert knows the precise moment she got COVID. As do I!

I had let my guard down to eat a bag of brownie bark, when someone with an American flag hat started coughing. That’s when I got COVID19.

Or it might have been the week after we unmasked school kids. I was at a convenience store, and many poured in, buying snacks and breathing. Some even laughed with the joy of youth! How dare they! That was the moment I got COVID. Yes, they were too young to vote, but I suspect they were future republicans from the way they casually chatting about hawkish foreign policy.

No matter what: I only got COVID because of something YOU did. You didn’t take it seriously enough and YOU got ME sick. It’s YOUR fault, and I hate you.

Of course, I also attended this party at #ASH22 where 30,000 blood cancer docs gathered maskless for days, but I couldn’t have gotten Covid there because everyone was a registered democrat!

In case it wasn’t obvious, I do not have COVID, and this is satire. I also did not attend the Miami nights party at ASH, kinda wish I did though— looks fun. Attended many other parties that were comparable. No one wore masks. If someone has a photo of me wearing a mask (I don’t think any exist, but can’t be sure), pls email me, I will pay for all copies. I need to have those destroyed. I would find those pictures embarrassing.

-VP